on being the only female in a room full of males, pt. 2

I'm coming up for a quick breath of air while working on my next-to-last grad school application, and decided to write for a spell. (After all, I did say I'd have more to say on the previous post later...) Honestly this whole application process is a little overwhelming for me. Required financial and time investments aside, the part that is particularly unsettling is the gravity of it. I am basically saying to schools, "please let me come work for your Nobel laureate professors and with your super-fast computers...let me come study at your institution and then attempt to begin making my own mark on the field." I didn't really apply to any safety schools; not because I'm cocky, more because there just aren't really "safety schools" for theoretical physics. (I tried to find some that are doing research in what I'm interested in, I really did.) So my apps are a mix of reaches and middle-of-the-road picks. This has the resultant effect of making me fear I'm acting too big for my britches.

Recently, a new conversation partner has highlighted exactly the complex I seem to have with not feeling like I deserve anything, or put another way, with being afraid to ask the universe for things. Now, this is interesting since I've written in detail on this topic before, in my old, now-long-neglected other blog. (I plan on moving some old entries to this blog and just deleting the old one when I can find the time...) Basically, my point in that writing was that asking for things is a sign of respect towards one's self. People don't bother to give mathematics an honest try in school because "that's stuff for smart people, not me." I never thought I'd learn to use chopsticks, because that was something cosmopolitan/worldly people did, not some kid from the sticks like me. (I'm happy to report I was very wrong about the chopsticks.)

I recently read a quote somewhere that said something to the effect of, "treat people as they have the potential to be, not who they are." I think that's probably a pretty applicable statement for one's treatment towards one's self, as well. Whether or not he had ever heard of this quote, my math advisor at UVM was definitely living it. When he told me I should first try submitting the paper that came out of my independent study to Physical Review, I thought he was crazy. (The way I explain it to those unfamiliar with it is that Phys. Rev. is like the Yankees of physics journals.) "My paper's got a snowball's chance in hell of being accepted there," I thought. Evidently this paper was one tough snowball. See, that's the thing. I sprung for something (admittedly, after significant external encouragement) that I didn't think I or my work would be considered good enough for. And look what happened. So I guess, regarding the applications, I just decided to take a deep breath and go for it. I think I would have regretted doing it any differently.

As for the electronic smack-down the other day...I don't have much more specifically to say about it (but I do feel like this post was an exploration of somethings very similar). My mind brooded over it for the afternoon and then let it go, after remembering what may be my absolute favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quote (and she's got a lot of good ones!) In fact, I think this quote is rather applicable to the rest of my here-written concerns as well...


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Eleanor Roosevelt